My Free Voice

ma_voix_libre @ 2006-12-07T20:39:00

2006-12-08T02:39:44Z

Please note:

NEW JOURNAL encore_plus or entre_reves

I am not sure which one I will be posting to publicly, privately or friendly.

Add if you're interested.

Green Icicles

2006-11-07T20:44:11Z

I will be twenty years old in eighteen days.

Today I was given back my French Midterm. I earned an A.

Today I failed my Spanish Section exam in twenty minutes, or less.

In a few minutes, I will be leaving for the downtown core, of this fabulously patrolled city, in search of a human to accept payment, for a parking ticket that I wish I didn't deserve. I apologize only to the poor grass I smushed during my parking endeavour.

Like all the autumns passed, this one is proving to be emotional, beautiful, and distracting. I find myself unable to focus on anything, but the abstract, unformed thoughts in my burgoening head. I don't have time to write this entry today--here it takes form.

I find myself missing my written identity more and more. Missing poetry. And word tangles. Why does it hurt so much?

Often, I feel, violated. Raped of my right to express, and to be. Oh, the ever crushed, pale-blue blossom, suffering under the weight of a thousand hates--I hate them.

Give me my innocence back! Please! Please...

Maybe.

ma_voix_libre @ 2006-04-07T15:53:00

2006-04-07T21:54:58Z

Who knew that I was such a trance freak?

Prytrance... hard trance... you name it.

I can't wait for Motion Notion this year.

It's An Impossible Sound

2006-03-22T17:04:54Z

So in and of myself things are going alright.

I am in a sound mental state. I'm happy. I have focuses and motivations. Dreams and places. (Dreams to fulfill. Places to go.)

And that makes me pretty darn relieved.

There's pretty sad and unfortunate things going on around me, but I've got the means to deal with them--a solid personal foundation.

Not too much time until this semester is over. Not too much time until Beauty and the Beast will be up and running. (Speaking of Beauty and the Beast, it's been such a struggle to connect with people. And that is such a true testament to how much I've changed. I am not the uninhibited extrovert anymore. I'm not quiet either... but I'm certainly not as easily 'out there'. I don't mind that I've changed. And luckily, the last couple rehearsals have been somewhat successful by way of people with whom to talk.)

It is infinitely wonderful to have someone to love. And know where your life is going with that person. Dustin and I will have been together for eight months on April 1st. That marks the longest relationship that I've ever been in. It also marks a relationship that is thriving and will continue to thrive for many more months. It is the continuation of a relationship that has been growing since the beginnings of my grade twelve year.

I realize now the value of a best friend. Ruth Anne is such a great place to turn to, and great person to confide in. I value her in so many ways. Having someone to be your dedicated friend is an important life necessity.

I'm really lucky to have a focus on God again in my life. Every time I fall away from Him I become this scattered jumble with no direction or focus. I feel overly disatisfied with everything. But when I believe, and when I love and focus on Him, I feel completely fulfilled. I feel concentrated. Calm. -- So I've been reading the Bible. Because I decided that instead of merely saying, 'I hate this thing.' I could hopefully formulate real opinions on it and have the reasons to back myself up. I never know what I'm going to come across, but I'm a heck of a lot closer to coming across something while choosing a direction and walking towards it, than I am completely standing still.

I once said, 'To stagnate is to die.' -- I might have read it also. But then I said it too.

It's true.

To keep moving is so important. Ultimately you have to keep going, moving, walking [running] somewhere in order to ever get anywhere. But it's important to remember that what you walk towards will determine where you'll eventually end up. Walk towards light. Things that are good. (Good things, don't harm anyone. They bring goodness to yourself, and others. Bad things may be good for only one person, or none at all.)

Stay tuned for random tidbits of really great things that have happened lately.

The Facade

2006-03-03T17:35:01Z

I had strange moments on choir tour. I secluded myself, a lot.

I went off to read the bible by myself fairly frequently. I wish I'd had a highliter.

A man from our school talked to the congregations at each of our concerts. And when I watched him talk, or when he looked at me, I swear I could see him as a child. I could see his pain. His struggles. And it reminded me of the book I'd read -- whatever it was -- where the girl danced, and cried, and she could see the mens'(the boys') past. She could see their hurt.

I had an amazing talk with Ruth Anne. Or perhaps it wasn't a singularly amazing talk, but rather a series of amazing talks. I felt as if, for once, I wasn't wearing a total mask. Everything underneath came to light. And I felt as if I saw her too. Maskless.

I've got new plans for my life. I'm striving to find people, where the masks' can be lifted. Where the raw heart can be revealed. I want to show who I am, completely. Entirely.

Not to just anyone though. I truly long to be revealed to Dustin. To become a naked heart.

Ruth Anne too. And in time, perhaps others will enter this safe circle. This bloodless circle.

Why are there so many bleeding hearts?

My journal is supposedly my free voice. Why then, do I feel I have to block certain things that I long to say?

I am truly sick of it.

Sick of myself. And my masks. -- Why can't we just say the things we want to say(especially to the people we want to say them to) when we want to say them?

------------------------------------------------------

Alright. Here's a little tidbit.

Everytime I think about Dax. I get sick. Everytime someone brings him up, I feel horrid. I feel as if I'm some monstrous human who loves only the people who take advantage of and destroy.

I hate Jesse so much sometimes, I think that I might kill him.

I can't get Ashley out of my head. But I want to. I really, really do.

Who the hell have I been my whole life anyway?

I've just been so hurt. So ruined. So destroyed. And I really, and truly can't get up in the morning sometimes. -- The snooze button is my best friend. It shuts off the world for nine minutes at a time. And I press it as much as I can.

For Lent. I gave it up. -- so far I haven't succeeded in not pressing it.

Last night I woke up at 3am. I was horrified. My dreams are so vivid.

So. Yes. Underneath I am hurt. Hurting. Bleeding. And yes. I want to tell you. Tell him. Tell her. I don't know how. But I think I'm trying to start. But. I'm still living. Which is more than I used to be able to say. And many, many things make me happy. Everything that I'm doing now, I love.

Another thought. Why do we wear masks to hide pain? But joy we can experience so openly?

WHO ARE WE ALL!?!?!?!

*crosses fingers*

ma_voix_libre @ 2006-03-01T13:29:00

2006-03-01T20:29:41Z

i listened to indigenous to october this morning. i wanted to die.

I'm struggling.

2006-02-09T16:40:55Z

It's as if there's this strange number of things that I just keep baracading inside of me. Holding them hostage. Except, there isn't a ransom and there's no way they're ever going to leave.

I can't for the life of me figure out how it's taken me so long to deal with things. Except that makes it sound like I've already dealt with them, moved on.

But I haven't.

I just keep shoveling. Burying everything as deep as it can go. Except. I think I've gone too deep. And it hurts.

I want to move on from so many things. Things I've done, and that have been done to me. There's just so much hurt. And I don't really remember what it feels like to have that hurt absorb you. And I think that's maybe how I'll let it go. But I won't. Let it go.

I can't even bring up the things that bother me most on my journal. Just vaguely reference them, perhaps in hope that someone will have the slightest idea what I'm talking about.

I am very happy in the present. And excited about my future. But I'm still so haunted by the past. Memories don't fade so easy for me. They blurr a little, but that only makes it worse to remember. Because then you can't remember if what you're seeing actually happened or if it was merely a dream. I can't express how many times I've convinced myself I'm crazy. Or Schizophrenic.

Would that surprise anyone? Sometimes I imagine that some of my friends are not really there. That I have a billion email adresses, and everytime I'm emailed by a 'friend' it's actually me, emailing myself.

Am I crazy, just for having these thoughts?

My Mom told me the other day, that I'm ADD. And she's right. I'm not grounded. And I'm all over the place. Why plant two feet on the ground? Especially when you could put each toe in a different place... does that make sense?

I keep seeing cars of old ladies driving by. And I can't help but wonder... if I'll be driving alone. That I won't have my bundle of old lady friends to play bridge with. (Oh no! I don't know how to play bridge.)

I remember Junior High school. We were the coolest group of friends ever. It was this really awesome chain of people. Linked by individual friendships and bonds, and an almighty giant bond. For three years, it was so neat. And why don't I have that anymore? Where's that group of friends, where you're never without someone?

I don't feel like a very friendly person anymore.

I don't feel very friendly.

ma_voix_libre @ 2006-01-30T13:45:00

2006-01-30T20:47:38Z

The last three CD's I purchased have been strictly done on a whim.

I've never heard of these bands but, I've been daring!

One was a major flop. One is growing on me. And yesterday I purchased one that I love.

The Early November.

Oh jeese. His voice is fun. Their words are fun. And by fun, I mean tragically lovely.

So... I really can't write today. It's a miserable predicament.

Prayforme.

ma_voix_libre @ 2006-01-27T09:58:00

2006-01-27T17:01:19Z

I wanted to write this yesterday, but I didn't go to my class.

While I drove Ruth Anne to her doctor's appointment I got distracted by the sky. The clouds were luminous. On either side of the city there were the grey sweepy clouds that made it look like it was raining off in the distance. And when I turned my head to face downtown I almost screamed. It looked as if the sky was going to swallow everything up whole. Starting with the really tall buildings and slowly sucking up all the asphalt, road, and cars. And working its way up to me, it would chew me last.

Yesterday I did not want to be swallowed by the sky.

ma_voix_libre @ 2006-01-24T14:01:00

2006-01-24T21:04:40Z

While I drove to Mount Royal today I passed a bus stop bench. The kind that rent advertisement space. Except this one didn't have an ad yet, it was just giving the phone number of who to call if you wanted an ad. But in big black letters at the very top of the bench the word 'Think!' was scrolled.

I didn't think much of it. Until about 45 seconds later when I had a vision of the bench. 'Think!' flashed in my mind. And I felt as if the bench was urging me to 'Exist!'.

'Exist! Exist! Exist!'

Okay. I'll try.

Dans ma salle d'anglais...

2006-01-20T16:55:19Z

Yes, she's there ladies and gentlemen, she is in her class. Because this semester(so far) she is actively attending her classes. Can I get a 'woot, woot'. [*bows* I know I am white.]

I feel like I'm going to burst one of these days. And just regurgitate everything I've been digesting emotionally thus far. Over the last few years. Highschool and right on up.

I was looking at one of my bedroom walls today. There were three movie stubs clumped together near my (fake) closet. And they were all dated for 2002. And then I just felt so old. I am well aware that was only four years ago, but I couldn't even figure out how old I had been. (stupid) I've just been feeling ancient lately. The tips of my fingers are beginning to wrinkle. I'm aging and I am all too aware of it. I hate, hate, hate it.

I'm too young to be saying any of this.

But last night I managed to feel really good. After B&B practice (by the way, the fire alarms went off and the firetrucks came, ooooo!) I went home and made myself a grilled cheese sandwich as well as tomato soup. I made my soup with milk this time, instead the way my mother used to make it while I was growing up. After my feast, I tidied my room while listening to the oh-so-wonderful Jack Johnson. I also burned incense, which happened to make me feel like I was in grade nine again. It was a pleasant event.

One of the most important things for anyone to do is google random words and search for images. So they can find things like this...

http://www.sanchogames.com/general/images/ben.gif

Now, is the little dude lighting the other guy's hair on fire, or trying to put it out? (I would also like to add, that I just edited this sentence for pronoun-antecedent agreement.)

Why can't I draw?

http://wwwstatic.galileoweb.org/images/galileoLibrary/escherMetacognition.gif

And the most important fact about today.... I am wearing a hoodie that is three sizes too large for me, and is made out of fleece.

Important Funnies

2006-01-19T21:58:36Z

I can't believe I forgot to write these two things down.

A You Had To Be There Funny:

On the train home last night I was attempting to teach Dustin French. He butchers it. And it's funny. All the while, he's saying things like, 'Je me poo poo.', and behind us two little kids are giggling. It's not until 15 minutes later that my ears tune into the world around me and I realise the family behind us is speaking in French. I pray for a second that I'm actually hearing Russian but I turn around and the lady is wearing a Pere Noel shirt. Eghads. The next two minutes Dustin and I sat in silence hardly daring to look at eachother. Once we barrelled off the train we crumbled into eachother laughing. I won't lie, I nearly peed.

A My Sister Is Priceless Funny:

Outside of Dairy Queen I gave my sister my purse and keys so she could get into the car first. When I got to the car she played around and made me chase her for the keys back. I think I pushed her, but I must have knocked her wrist or something and she screamed. She began her usual pathetic whimper and I said, 'Geese Lauren you must be the most fragile person ever.' To which she replied, 'Duh Megan! What do you think? I'm made of bone! Doofus!' To which Dustin and I, and eventually my sister, began sobbing from laughing so hard. Dustin took the time to say, 'What am I made of then? Concrete?' And I said, 'Most definitely.'

And so it goes.

Filtration

2006-01-19T21:35:48Z

I began reading a poem today. From blather [whom I've avoided like the plague for nearly a year.] http://www.blather.newdream.net.... Except... I didn't actually want to read it, so I just skipped off to the last line.

'And you almost smiled.'

And then I almost started thinking. How many times have I just, almost smiled? And how damn prolific can last-line poems be?

A lot.

Like this one...

'my mind sure of my hands.'

I swore at myself when I read that. --'Well, shit.'

Dustin and I took Lauren to see RENT last night. For Dustin and I, it was our second time seeing it. There's something about RENT that sends little twangs through my heart-muscle.

I always get really depressed when I start writing journal entries, or writing anything at all. Does that mean I'm a depressed writer? Or perhaps... when writing... I'm always alone... and I get depressed when I'm alone?

I used to cling to being alone. And I think that, over the last year I've become very attached to being with people. I cling to Dustin. Or when he's not around... I cling to my classes, or choir... or my family, or my friends in my classes, or choir. So if I am so clingy does that mean that underneath it all I'm really just this insecure, depressed ball of delusion? Or am I really okay? Like actually, okay.

Is Megan for once, just Megan.

Juste moi.

I wore a skirt today. I skipped pilates today. I have practice for B&B today(tonight). I feel like cooking up a storm today. I had my French test today. Today, today, today.... NO DAY BUT TODAY! Bleck.

I just googled into the Images page, the word 'bleck'. And this is what I found...

http://www.nois.com/bleck/bleckimg/11tree.jpg

Have a smoothee today.

Scaling Treetops

2006-01-18T17:13:10Z

I should update. And so I will now.

I am going to open up my fortune cookie now. (Dustin and I went to Bagolac Saigon last night.)

My cookie broke into three pieces. And I have three fortunes. "Good fortune takes preparation." "Pain is not a bad thing; it is simply something one attempts to avoid." "Original ideas allow you to meet talented people."

Okay. I'm laughing now. -- Are there actually talented people? Or are some people just more aware of being better at doing something than another person? {that's the worst sentence I've written in a long time. bahaha)

What type of person are you? Are you the kind that goes to a chinese or asian restaurant just for the fortune cookie? Or the kind that goes for the food and doesn't even remember they get a fortune cookie at the end. Are you the type that just opens it, reads the fortune and leaves it and the cookie behind? Or do you devour the cookie, read the fortune and keep it in the little place you have set aside in your wallet? Or perhaps are you the kind that immediately enters the winning red numbers on the back into the lotto?

I wish I knew how to make fortune cookies.

For the record: I usually forget that we get fortune cookies. I get excited when they bring them to the table and I remember. I read the fortune(s) before eating the cookie. And I ALWAYS eat the cookie. I also keep most fortunes in random places in my wallet, purse, bedroom and home. And I would like to one day, try the lotto thing.

Oh, and one time, I didn't get a fortune.

I have had such cravings to do and see the things that I haven't done. All I've been thinking about lately is seeing and doing things that are new. Last night I even ordered something that I wouldn't normally have ordered. PS!!! Jack Fruit smoothies are good. And if you've never had rice vermicelli, your life is so lacking.

I made peanutbutter and honey sandwiches for Dustin and I today. I don't think I can remember ever having one for lunch before. I was always a peanutbutter and jam gal, until I discovered my passion for honey, which wasn't even until Grade 12.

My English course is having an effect on me. Not in terms of how I am writing. But I'm definitely noticing all my independent/dependent clauses. All of my subordination and coordination. Well... lack of coordination. My fused sentences, comma splices... I'm a wretched writer. Thank God!

Do you love me?

Synchopated

2006-01-13T17:02:22Z

Yesterday I started a journal entry that was soon-after deleted by a frozen computer.

It went a little like this:

Today it's raining. [Except it isn't actually.]

And other things followed but... I don't remember what I wrote. It was something to do with French, because I was in the French lab listening to the recordings. Wahoo.

Last night I had a dream about a visit to the doctor. He told me what was wrong with me. Why I'm nauseous all the time. Apparently, according to my dream doctor, I've been disatisfied with my food lately. My healthy choices are not providing me with the food satisfaction that I prefer to experience when eating. So I've been nauseous because I've been missing the inner happy I usually get while eating. I guess that explains everything! HA. I also witnessed two old ladies accompanying each other to the Doctor's office, except they were crossing Macleod trail alone and they were old! And they walked to the DOCTOR!!! It was strange. They were so tiny and fragile.

Wouldn't life be wonderful if we could not worry about weight, and spend our whole lives going everywhere and experiencing fanciful foods? I think I need to stop being so consumed by food. -- Maybe one day I'll just let myself go and slowly become 165...180...220...350 pounds. But all the while being very happy in the food world.

Today I'm feeling like anything I write will just become a useless jumble of words, that really won't matter to anyone anyway.

Enough about me anyway.

Comment allez-vous?

A Morning Dew.

2006-01-04T16:38:48Z

Alarm didn't wake us again today. But I was a morning person for our late starting hour and was in a good mood. Stood under a painfully hot shower until I could feel my skin crying out in anguish. Then I turned it down a little... to a slightly less painful wash. I haven't eaten anything since I got up. Just sipped on some juice - what I like to call 'orange juice meets prunes'. Eghads. The $230.00 has been forked over to purchase reading materials for my TWO classes. I have a SmartCard - it's really not all that smart. I have access to a gym and a slight desire to make use of said accessibility. I've dropped two courses today, they didn't like me anyway. So it would seem that this semester I'll be etudi..mmmm...studying the Frog. And Englishing my unwilling heart out. Hopefully I will get a part in Beauty and the Beast. [audition was last night] And quite possibly I'll start taking voice lessons for credit.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I miss Kate.

She would have appeciated the sound my new texts spine just made when I opened it. Sort of a bending crunch. It was my French text so that makes the sound all the more better.

I think that I don't want to write anymore just now. BUT! I did rent a movie out of a vending machine type thing from 7-eleven last night. Tres amusant. $2.69. Due back tonight at 7. I just have to plunk it back into the machine... hehe. Oh, and it was 'The Wedding Crashers'.

ma_voix_libre @ 2006-01-03T09:27:00

2006-01-03T16:42:38Z

I feel tragic today. [It's quite possible that I don't actually feel tragic, but I think that at least that's how I want to be feeling]

Sea foam glitter.

I'm gonna run to the ocean today.
Maybe the Atlantic, although the Pacific is much closer.
I'm gonna lace up some size ten running shoes. Fresh outta the box.
Mark my place in the asphalt. Ready? Set?
Go!

I'll be off. To see the seashores.
Seashells.
Plunge myself into ravenous waters. Okay. Gentle rolling waters.
No.
CRASHING. White ravenous liquids. Yes. That's it.
Hmmm...

The tide to end all tides. The one that perhaps will drown?
Not before crushing bones of course.
Never out of step. First crush. Then drown.
Pain before the end.
The right way.

Perhaps I should run away another day.

---------------------------------------------------

Sometimes I miss writing so much that it becomes painful. That I can't breathe. But I just can't bring myself to pick up the pen and inkify my bright white page.

Why not? How is that even fair?

It's not.

I need to see something REALLY beautiful today. Something that takes my breath away, and won't return my air until I'm begging and gasping. Today I need to be choked by beauty.

Maybe I'll go rent American Beauty.

What's wrong Megan? --- she whispered faintly.

I'm scared. --- she sobbed in reply.

Don't cry. (don't die) --- she pleaded.

Hold my hand. --- she begged.

It'll be okay. --- she lied.

I'm in a weird mood today. I would give anything for a hand to be pointing in the right direction for me today. Well... not anything... but most things.